NASA has built me a mattress!
It was part of my creative assignment for last week: write what your mattress would say about you. In case you missed it, here is what it said:
1. Page 76. If your bed could talk, how would it describe you?
“Frank, I am telling you what, this woman is a mess. She can’t be still. She can’t sleep with the TV off and so the blue/green screen is flashing dark and light all night. I can’t get any rest. First she is cold and she wads up the covers around her legs and shivers. In no time, she is too hot and she starts shucking off her socks with her toes and kicking them out from under the covers. Before I know it she’s slung half the covers to one side and she is changing the channels on the TV. I hear her groan and then sigh and she gets up and is off to the bathroom since by this time she is awake from all that flailing around. I hear her mumble, might as well go pee since I’m already awake. I tell you, Frank, I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”
Well, Frank, I have a few things to say about that! In the first place this mattress is one of those with springs that are separately wrapped supposedly so that each part of your body can be supported individually. In fact, what happens is that none of your body is supported well and you sag in the middle and fold up so your shoulders are bent toward your hips. Nobody can get a good night’s rest that way. And second, that bed doesn’t breathe. I know you think beds don’t breathe and my daughter thinks fingernails don’t breathe, but my fingernails do and they can’t do it with polish on them choking them to death anymore than my body can sleep in a bed that doesn’t breathe. It starts out cold and it ends up hot and ask any woman my age and they will tell you, Frank, you can’t sleep if the bed’s too hot.
It is no wonder I am tossing and turning, taking off my socks in the middle of the night and getting up and down. But I have found a solution. Actually NASA was working on it all the time and I didn’t even know it. Thank goodness for a government agency that is thinking about the health and safety of its citizens! Yes, NASA has invented me a bed! Here is what they did, and I am not making this up. They took some memory foam and sandwiched an egg crate in the middle like you’re making a peanut butter and banana sandwich with whole wheat bread. The banana slices have gaps between them which lets the hot air out and the wheat bread has holes which lets the cool air in and bingo, you get a good night’s sleep every time. They even sent it out in space and had the astronauts try it out for us to see if it was good enough to sell to the general public. It was and I am about to get me one. How dare that old saggy mattress sully my name with accusations that really are all his fault.
Frank, if you are thinking to yourself where can I get one of these sweet mattresses, here is the website: http://www.tempflow.com/_vti_bin/shtml.exe/information-request.html Oh, and there is a bonus. This mattress is green. Not the color green but the ecological green where it doesn’t poison you with fumes nearly so much as the old fashioned foam rubber ones did. Now, Frank, aren’t you proud you’re American?!